Sometimes we cross paths with someone like Gertrude, who might let slip about how Fred has been really down or withdrawn or "h-e-double-toothpicks to live with, 'cos he's just so moody and snappy." Comments like these tend to get my lil ears pricked up, and I wait paitently for a chance to make polite enquiries. "How nosy you are!!" you might say. Or perhaps, "leave them alone, why are you bothering them?" The thing is, I've found that a lot of people like Gertrude are struggling to cope. Or maybe Fred just doesn't know what's going on, or doesn't want to admit that there is a problem.
That's a big thing for both Fred and Gertrude, not to mention Mum, Dad and the other friends and/or family members who deal with them on a sometimes daily basis. And because we've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and wore it out, it's something that we can greatly identify with.
It's just over a year ago that my wonderful hubby came out of a very dark depressive episode. It's a place he'd been to a few times since his late teens/early twenties, but this was the worse one, resulting from a culmination of events builing up over a period of time. I won't go into great details here, but his recovery journey involved medication changes, Crisis Team intervention and respite, and on-going support and treatment from our Community Mental Health Team. Not to mention, a great deal of concern and worry for his friends and family, and a few more additions to my extra grey hair collection (although I recently heard them referred to as "blossoms on the almond trees before they reach full bloom"). During this time, we had a huge amount of support from our families, friends and especially our church family. And of course, our Heavenly Father. I'm extremely relieved and happy to state that he is now so much better, although occasionally I find myself watching for warning signs.HOWEVER there are a few things/approaches that just DO NOT WORK when dealing with people going through things like this. Let's start with:
"There is no such thing as depression":- Oh yes, there jolly well is!! How did they come up with THAT cockamamie idea?! While we haven't encountered this one ourselves, we have heard that there are some people around who think that it's a matter of unresolved sin, and if you just truly repent all will be well again, tra-la-la hip-hoorah. Or something else along those lines.
Or, "It's all in your head":- well, duh - mental health, hello????
And then there's the good ol "Why don't you just get over it already? You don't have to be such a sour puss all the time!! Other people are worse off than you." Believe me, they'd love nothing better, but it just doesn't work like that. Sorry, folks. If anything, these tactics have the potential to make things a whole lot worse, and our already struggling loved one can start feeling like they're a burden, no-one wants me around, why should I bother, etc...
One big thing we have learnt is that the first step to recovery from almost ANY difficult situation is admitting there's a problem in the first place. And that can be a toughie. Another lesson is, "let yourself feel however you feel". Let's face it - in the grander scheme of things, your struggle may seem quite insignificant when compared to 3rd world problems. But in your own world, it's a huge thing that's happening to you, and it's important to deal with it.
Look at it this way. We all have our own little world, which may involve abuse from others, or addictions issues, or loneliness, or any other spectre. Sure, we may be miserable, but at least it's familiar territory. Around us, there's a big stone wall, and we have no idea what's on the other side. We've been up on the top of the wall, but can't see anything. "Ooh, scary! Don't wanna go there, gonna fall flat on my face, things will be worse, I'll just stay in my own little miserable comfort zone." Like I said before, taking the first step of anything new is tough. We don't know if anyone's going to take our hand or break our fall.
BUT we don't know if we don't try, right? And someone IS there to take your hand and guide you. It may be totally unexpected, but there is definitely someone waiting for you.
Our stone walls can be anything; this isn't just about mental health issues, it can apply to almost any experience that brings you down and leaves you feeling less than human, or lower than a snake's belly. I have had to step off a few stone walls of my own, so I do know what it can be like.
You ARE important, you ARE valuable, and you DO matter to someone. Maybe you haven't felt that way for a very long time, but I can assure you that you are. Just remember - walls work two ways: they can keep the world OUT, but they also keep the world from knowing what makes you such a special and wonderful person. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone. In fact, let me take that one step further: feel free to reach out to me, if you like, via comments. I'm not a mental health clinician, I'm just someone who's been on both sides of more than one coin in life.
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."
- Joel 2:25(a)
